Most of us would like to include our in-laws as a part of our close family unit. That's easy to do when the relationship with your in-laws is healthy, but what do you do when the relationship with your in-laws is unhealthy? Do you allow them to repeatedly bring toxicity into your life or do you limit contact?
Navigating relationships with in-laws can be challenging, as conflicts often arise due to differing expectations and values. However, research suggests that establishing healthy boundaries and open communication can help mitigate these conflicts and foster more positive in-law relationships.
Boundary Violations
One of the main sources of conflict with in-laws is the violation of boundaries. Couples should have open discussions to understand each other's family dynamics and decide on appropriate boundaries together (Haynes et al., 2004). As Rittenour and Soliz (2009) explain, overstepping boundaries, such as disregarding parenting decisions or imposing views, can create conflicts and confusion. It is crucial for couples to establish clear boundaries around parenting, finances, and personal matters to maintain their autonomy and prevent conflicts from escalating (Rapske et al., 2003).
Cultural and Personal Values Conflict with In-laws
Another common issue is the clash of cultural and personal values. Each new couple decides how to manage their household. They may choose to establish new norms in parenting, household activities, or traditions. And some in-laws will respect their child's decision to run their households and raise their children differently as long as it doesn't negatively impact them (e.g., borrowing money due to poor financial decisions). Other in-laws may be a little more complicated and expect to benefit from their child's new spouse's finances or unpaid labor. In such cases, Markham (2015) recommends setting boundaries regarding personal or cultural differences to maintain a healthy relationship.
Unrealistic Expectations
Unrealistic expectations about the level of closeness or involvement with in-laws can also contribute to conflicts. It's important to realized that some mother-in-laws never wanted a daughter or daughter in-law. Likewise, some father-in-laws never wanted a son or son-in law. As odd as that may seem to some, it is true for others. Rapske et al. (2003) found that individuals who expected unrealistically close relationships with in-laws experienced greater conflict and distress. It is essential to have realistic expectations and recognize that some distance is normal and healthy. However, some in-laws prefer to act as though your home is an extention of their own home. Those in-laws may like to visit unannounced and find ways to upset the balance of the household (e.g., waking up the baby during scheduled nap time). They may feel like they are in competition with the new spouse, etc. In such cases, it is important for the new couple to protect their relationship by establishing and communicating their boundaries.
Effective Communicating
Effective communication is crucial for navigating in-law conflicts, but that is often easier said than done. If we're being transparent, communication only helps when the in-laws actually want to be helpful. If the harmful behavior is intentional, hard boundaries are necessary. When communicating boundaries, use "I" statements, active listening, and avoid inflammatory language (e.g., name calling, cursing, blaming) to facilitate productive dialogue in a neutral setting (Markham, 2015).
Seek External Support
When conflicts become entrenched, involving a neutral third-party mediator can be valuable, as they create a safe space, help identify root causes, and guide families toward mutually agreeable solutions (Haynes et al., 2004). In cases where conflicts persist and negatively impact the marital relationship, seeking professional help, such as couples therapy or family counseling, can be beneficial. Therapists can assist in setting and enforcing healthy boundaries, promoting empathy and understanding, and strengthening the marital bond (Kiecolt-Glaser et al., 2015).
Altogether, maintaining healthy relationships with in-laws requires setting clear boundaries, open communication, realistic expectations, and a willingness to seek external support when needed. By addressing conflicts constructively and prioritizing the well-being of the marital relationship, couples can navigate in-law dynamics with grace and resilience.
References:
Haynes, J. M., Buzzi, B., & Haynes, G. (2004). Introducing student mediators to family mediation. Family Mediation Quarterly, 2(4), 1-21.
Kiecolt-Glaser, J. K., Gouin, J. P., & Hantsoo, L. (2015). Close relationships, inflammation, and health. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 35(1), 33-38. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neubiorev.2009.09.003
Markham, L. (2015). Peaceful parent, happy kids workbook: Using mindfulness and connection to raise resilient, stress-free children and rediscover your spark. Penguin.
Rapske, D. L., et al. (2003). Liking Scholars' In-Laws: Expectations About Relationships With In-Laws. Journal of Family Issues, 24(7), 920–948. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X03252753
Rittenour, C. E., & Soliz, J. (2009). Communicative and emotional paths toward successful patterns of grandparent-grandchild relationships. Western Journal of Communication, 73(1), 78-97. https://doi.org/10.1080/10570310802636318
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